As a hirsute gentleman who has passed his 40th birthday, I’m long familiar with the tricks your body plays on you.
I lost the lion’s share of hair from my head some time ago, so these days it’s simply a matter of shaving my scalp to keep it neat.
As many of my peers can attest, the hair seems to move from one part of your body to others. Places where hair is unwelcome, unsightly or a thrilling combination of the two.
I don’t think I’m sharing any state secrets when I describe the forrest-like growth of hairs in ears, nostrils and a weird spot in the very small of my back. And let’s not even try to understand why my eye brows have started to grow like I’m fertilising them every week!
Combine this with my chest hair and the growth on my legs, and left unchecked, I’d start to resemble an ape. A small, fat ape, but an ape nonetheless.
To keep a handle on this, I have to regularly engage in hair removal. A clipping of the nostril hair and a trimming of the eye brows and ears on a weekly basis used to be all that was required. I tried to fit it in just after using a face mask.
I also have to take care of the shoulders and engage in a some delicate manscaping too. I wasn’t going to mention the latter due to the horrid pictures it could conjur up in your mind. But I spent an afternoon on the naturist beach in Barcelona a couple of weeks ago and, as soon as I got undressed, quickly realised I’d let the body hair maintenance slip considerably.
And so I now have to use a selection of devices (plural) to keep the hair in check, remember to keep them charged and work hard to avoid cutting or scraping myself in places where the sun doesn’t shine. One doesn’t manscape with the device used to trim nostril hair. Or vice versa.
I don’t miss the hair on my head one bit. I’ve no interest in replacing it, despite what the many ads on the tube promise me. I quite like my bald head, actually.
I just wish it previous occupants hadn’t simply relocated to other less accessible parts of my body. The upkeep of this ageing property is increasing with every year.