Now. Let’s get this out of the way quickly.
If you have any thoughts about going to see this turkey, let me put you out of your misery: don’t bother. It’s easily the worst film I’ve seen in the last 12 months (and I’ve seen the Mrs. Brown’s Boys debacle!).
I didn’t go to see Taken 3 expecting to see epic cinema or deep story-telling or complex character exposition. What I did expect was some popcorn action stuff, with Liam Neeson running around beating up the bad guys. And using his gruff voice to sound threatening, while surviving explosions and gun fire that Bruce Willis could only dream of.
It. Was. Just. Awful.
Shockingly clunky dialogue, plot holes as big as Uranus (see what I did there?) and the least convincing set of bad guys since…. I don’t know when. Spoilers below, if you can be bothered to continue reading.
Once again, Neeson’s (truly unlucky) character is chasing down bad guys, but this time – and here’s where it gets complicated – he’s also being chased by the police. Because they think he killed his wife.
What unfolded was a collection of badly edited fight scenes and truly unbelievable escapes. I realised I can believe it when people survive flying through a black hole, but I can’t believe it when Liam Neeson evades SO MANY BULLETS, ALL THE TIME.
I cannot express to you how many bullets are fired in this film, how many of them directly at Neeson and how many (actually all of them) he jumps past.
In its favour, it featured Famke Janssen, who was the only vaguely likeable character in the whole thing. And (spoilers!) she’s not in it for the whole thing. Bet she doesn’t regret that Jean Grey role now, eh?
Forrest Whitaker plays the cop on Neeson’s tail throughout, who also somehow manages to lose him at every turn. Possibly because he spends a good portion of the film in a) a helicopter or b) his office. Alternatively, it’s because his police force is one of the most inept in the entire history of cinema. You can tell Whittaker trying desperately to make him into a complex character, but he just comes across as a wise-ass. With an inappropriate smile.
And despite the hellish violence, death, destruction and mayhem… he shakes Neeson’s hand at the end and lets him just walk away?
I watched it to the end, hoping for some resolution or other. But it merely set it up for a sure-to-be-made Taken 4.
I’m out. Goodnight.