G.I. Joe. My. God.

Did you see what I did there?

After my review of available unwatched films last night, we eventually opted for “G.I. Joe Retaliation”.

A decision that, even now, I still sorely regret. It was beyond awful. So very, very awful.

It may, in fact, surpass the massive awfulness of all of the Transformers films, combined.

I mean, I knew it was going to be bad, I’m not a complete idiot. But I thought they might have learnt a thing or two after the critical slaughter they experienced following the first foray into big screen G.I. Joe.

Where to start…?

I don’t want to spoil this for anyone, but if anything I write below this line helps you to decide not to watch this steaming pile of crap, then I will have saved you wasting a valuable two hours of your life.

My complaints about this film are many and varied, but they can be summed up as follows:

  • Paper-thin characters
  • Risible dialogue
  • Random editing

There is a lengthy – and entirely superfluous – subplot centring on Snake-eyes and his various ninja-lite chums. This involves plenty of jumping around, sword-play and random dialogue. It introduces a character by explaining she’s someone’s cousin. And that’s that.

Substituting the US president with a doppleganger in the first film was actually quite entertaining and had potential. In this awful, awful sequel, it’s taken to absurd lengths, involving every country with nuclear weapons firing them at each other simultaneously.

On a related note, London is completely destroyed by dropping a massive metal pole on it from space. No particular reason, except I feel just to demonstrate they had the special effects budget. It certainly didn’t add anything to the plot.

Speaking of the special effects, they really weren’t very special. Several scenes were so badly put together, they were worse than a cheap made for TV sci-fi movie.

One of the main reasons I watched this film was to see what Bruce Willis was doing in it. Not much, is the answer. Seeing as he’s now doing ads for Sky, it looks like he’ll pretty much appear in anything. He maintained a look of mild annoyance throughout, like he knew he was slumming it.

I never thought I’d ever rate Dwayne Johnson as the best actor in any film, but he wasn’t half bad in this – despite the shocking dialogue he had to deliver. His fellow “Joes” had the combined acting skills of the Meerkats on the “Compare the Market” TV ads.

Painful, painful acting.

I have to say there were a few moments that made me laugh out loud. Sadly, I don’t think the makers of G.I. Joe intended them to have comedy appeal. The film veered violently between buddy action movie, kids adventure movie and over the top disaster movie.

None of it worked.

But I like a fool continued to watch to the bitter end, hoping beyond hope that it would somehow come back from the brink. It didn’t. If anything, the ending was the worst part. It’s like they suddenly ran out of time and just pushed a complex ending through in just 10 minutes.

And to think I could have spent yesterday evening watching Tarantino.


4 comments on “G.I. Joe. My. God.

  1. Ugh! Better me than you.

    Somebody told me several months ago about a film called ‘lucky one or lucky ones…’

    I searched netflix and found BOTH so added BOTH to my queue. I got “the Lucky One’ already. It.Was.Horrible.

    It’s apparently a Nicholas Sparks adaptation (I have to admit never reading his books but I recognise that he’s famous). It ran like a Bad ‘Lifetime’ (channel) film and qualifying a Lifetime film with ‘bad’ sounds redundant but it’s not.

    I’ll say that young Zach Efron (if that’s how his name is spelt–I can’t be bothered to google) has a dreamy pair of peepers and a nice enough build but NOT to waste almost 2 hours of my time. FLAT boring.


    • Life’s too short for crap films. And yet…I’m going to see Red 2 tomorrow night, despite it getting dreadful reviews.

      I’d crawl over hot coals to see Helen Mirren on the big screen. I’d pay to watch her filing her nails.


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